Page 1 of 4 CORPORATE LANGUAGE
1."We will do it" means "You will do it"
2."You have done a great job" means "More work to be given to you"
3."We are working on it" means "We have not yet started working on the same"
4."Tomorrow first thing in the morning" means "Its not getting done "At least not tomorrow!"
5."After discussion we will decide-I am very open to views? means "I have already decided, I will tell you what to do"
6."There was a slight miscommunication" means "We had actually lied"
7."Lets call a meeting and discuss" means"I have no time now, will talk later"
8."We can always do it" means "We actually cannot do the same on time"
9."We are on the right track but there needs to be a slight extension of the deadline" means "The project is screwed up, we cannot deliver on time."
10."We had slight differences of opinion " means "We had actually fought"
11."Make a list of the work that you do and let's see how I can help you" means "Anyway you have to find a way out no help from me"
12."You should have told me earlier" means "Well even if you told me earlier that would have made hardly any difference!"
13."We need to find out the real reason" means "Well I will tell you where your fault is"
14."Well Family is important; your leave is always granted. Just ensure that the work is not affected," means, "Well you know..."
15."We are a team," means, "I am not the only one to be blamed"
16."That's actually a good question" means "I do not know much more about it"
17."All the Best" means "You are in trouble or Something to be happen"
Author:- Sudhi Submitted On:- 8/10/2007 2:25:55 PM Comments:- 0 View & Add a Comment | Alcohol Effects & Remedies:
Here are some alcohol effects and their remedies
1. Symptom: Cold and humid feet.
Cause: Glass is being held at incorrect angle
(You are pouring the drink on your feet).
Cure: Maneuver glass until open end is facing upward.
2. Symptom: The wall facing you is full of lights.
Cause: You're lying on the floor.
Cure: Position your body at a 90-degree angle to the floor.
3. Symptom: The floor looks blurry.
Cause: You're looking through an empty glass.
Cure: Quickly refill with your favorite beverage.
4. Symptom: The floor is moving.
Cause: You're being dragged away.
Cure: At least ask where they're taking you.
5. Symptom: You hear echoes every time someone speaks.
Cause: You have your glass on your ear.
Cure: Stop making a fool of yourself!
6. Symptom: The room is shaking a lot, everyone is dressed in white and the music is very repetitive.
Cause: You're in an ambulance.
Cure: Don't move. Let the professionals do their job.
7. Symptom: Your dad and all your brothers look strange.
Cause: You're in the wrong house.
Cure: Ask if they can point you to your house
Author:- Raj Submitted On:- 7/23/2007 9:55:24 AM Comments:- 0 View & Add a Comment | A married couple in their 60's were visited by a fairy who granted them both a wish
Wife : "i want to travel around the world with my husband " .....and
2 tickets for a luxury cruise appear in her hand----
Husband : "sorry luv, my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me."
The fairy waves her wand and the husband turns 92!
Moral of the story, men who are ungrateful should remember...fairies are females!!!!!!!!
Author:- Raj Submitted On:- 7/23/2007 9:39:50 AM Comments:- 0 View & Add a Comment | Impact of Job Change
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, and then the driver said: "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"
The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much."
"Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver." the driver replied. "I've been driving a van carrying dead bodies for the last 25 years. So I'm not used to such taps from the back seat"
Author:- sudhi Submitted On:- 6/23/2007 9:41:03 AM Comments:- 0 View & Add a Comment | The Value of a Drink
"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink
I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams ... If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered.
Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
~ Jack Handy
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.
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"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. "
~Frank Sinatra
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
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"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
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"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?I think not."
~ Stephen Wright
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
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"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ Brian O'Rourke
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
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"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a moron.
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"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
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To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~Dave Howell
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
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And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin,of Cheers.
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm.Here's how it went:
"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells,! making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why yo u always feel smarter after a few beers."
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not
Author:- Dr Sam Submitted On:- 5/10/2007 Comments:- 0 View & Add a Comment | The Perfect Man
A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the driver says,
"Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."
Passenger: "Who?"
Taxi Driver: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right - all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Taxi Driver: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy"
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special"
Taxi Driver: "There's more...he had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."
Passenger. "Wow, great guy."
Taxi Driver: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams, not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake"
Passenger. "Mmm, there's not many like him around."
Taxi Driver: "And he really knew how to treat a woman and never answer back even if she was wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - he was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."
Passenger: "An amazing man. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank."
Passenger: "Then how do you know so much about him?"
Taxi Driver: "I married his widow!"
Author:- Jimmy Submitted On:- 2/23/2007 Comments:- 0 View & Add a Comment | CHINESE PROVERBS ??
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Author:- Chuck Submitted On:- 2/9/2007 Comments:- 0 View & Add a Comment | A little boy went into a store, reached for a soda carton and pulled it over to the telephone. He climbed onto the carton so that he could reach the buttons on the phone and proceeded to punch in seven digits. The store owner observed and listened to the conversation.
The boy asked, "Maam, Can you give me the job of cutting your lawn?" The woman replied, "I already have someone to cut my lawn."
"I will cut your lawn for half the price of the person who cuts your lawn now." replied the boy. The woman responded that she was very satisfied with the person who was presently cutting her lawn.
The little boy was even more perseverant and said, "I'll even sweep your curb and your sidewalk, so on Sunday you will have the prettiest lawn in all of Palm beach, Florida." Again the woman answered in the negative.
With a smile on his face, the little boy replaced the receiver.
The store owner, who was listening to this conversation, walked over to the boy and said, "Son... I like your attitude; I like that positive spirit and would like to offer you a job."
The little boy replied, "No thanks, I was just checking my performance on the job I already have. I am the one who is working for the lady I was talking to!"
Author:- Amit Submitted On:- 1/19/2007 9:39:34 AM Comments:- 0 View & Add a Comment | The Perfect Husband
There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a golf club After a round, showering and getting changed for the 19th hole.
Suddenly a mobile phone on one of the benches rings.One of the men picks it up, and the following conversation ensues:
Husband - "Hello?"
Wife - "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
Husband - "Yes."
Wife -"Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a beautiful leather coat. It's absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"
Husband -"What's the price?"
Wife - "Only $1,000."
Husband - "Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much..."
Wife - "Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2003 models. I saw one I really liked. Its a SLK model. I spoke with the salesman, and he gave me a really good price . and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year..
Husband - "What price did he quote you?"
Wife - "Only $65,000..."
Husband - "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
Wife - "Great! But before we hang up, something else...
Husband -"What?"
Wife - "It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at last year. It's for sale!! Remember? The one with a pool English garden, acre of park area, beach front property."
Husband - "How much are they asking?"
Wife - "Only $450,000 -- a magnificent price...and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover..."
Husband - "Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid up to $420,000. OK?"
Wife - "OK,sweetie...Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"
Husband - "Bye...I love you too..."
The man hangs up & closes the phone's flap. The other men are looking at him in astonishment and derision. The husband raises his hand while holding the phone and asks "Does anyone know who this Cellphone belongs to???"
Author:- SKM Submitted On:- 1/3/2007 3:27:36 AM Comments:- 0 View & Add a Comment | One day while walking down the street a highly successful Human Resources Manager was tragically hit by a truck and she died instantly.
Her soul arrived up in Heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.
"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had a Human Resources Manager make it to Heaven and we're not really sure what to do with you."
"That's not my problem. Just let me in," said the woman.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from above. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."
"Actually, I think I've made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven", said the woman.
"Sorry, we have to follow rules..."
And with that St. Peter put the woman in an elevator and it went down down down to Hell. The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends -
fellow executives that she had worked with and they were well dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and hugged her and
they talked about good old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kind of cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved good-bye as she got on the elevator.
The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found St. Peter waiting for her. "Now it's time to spend a day in Heaven," he said.
So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.
"So, you've spent a day in Hell and you've spent a day in Heaven. Now
you must choose your eternity."
The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell."
So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-
down-down back to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.
"I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a beautiful golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all that is there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."
The Devil looked at her, smiled and told, "Yesterday we were recruiting you, today you're an Employee."
Author:- SM Submitted On:- 12/30/2006 5:02:42 AM Comments:- 0 View & Add a Comment |
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